I’m sitting on my front deck fighting an endless internal battle.
That battle is called anxiety.
It sneaks up on me even when I’m feeling like I’m in control and fills me with so much self doubt and insecurity. In fact it sneaks up on me MOST when I think I have control, it’s a shifty bugger.
Island Isolation – Frustration in paradise
I find that with my anxiety I spend a lot of time “waiting” for that moment to arrive.
If I know that I have to go out for dinner at 6pm then my whole day becomes a build up to that moment.
Almost as if I am consumed by something that should be a non-event.
I go over what I will wear, who will be there, who I might run into, what Luna will eat, what I should take to entertain Luna, if Jack has a nice shirt… A seemingly endless amount of mental preparation and overthinking goes into the most basic tasks.
It’s quite exhausting!
9 times out of 10 I will psych myself out and let negativity win.
I’ve missed out on so much in life thanks to my old pal, anxiety.
You’re probably wondering what is making me feel so anxious… Yoga. Yoga is making me feel anxious.
Isn’t that funny? Something that I love doing and want to improve on is making me feel so crappy within myself.
Last week some of the girls on island got together and decided to start a private yoga session for a small group every Wednesday. The local gym holds weekly yoga sessions, however it’s full of so many people I don’t know that I went once and never went again. Anxiety won that battle.
So anyway, when the girls came to me with this idea I thought “this is GREAT! A small group of women I know, all of them are super nice!” so naturally I signed up.
Since that day my anxiety has been slowly planting its evil little seeds. “you’re too fat to do yoga with such beautiful humans” or “they will be better than you” and so on.
Anxiety, you are the worst!
I spoke to my amazing oily leader and she encouraged me to do what I feel is best for me and to use some doterra Balance to help to… Well, balance myself.
So I put on some balance (as we speak I can feel it working it’s magic) and I’m slowly regaining some calm and inner peace.
Are essential oils right for me?
Yet struggle remains. Should I go? Shouldn’t I?
I WANT to go. I know it will be good for me and help me grow my skills in yoga.
But still the anxiety stays, it’s sitting there inside me waiting for its chance to appear like a bad jump scare in a B grade movie and make me regret everything.
Then I sent Jack a message. “I’m so tired. I had a bad sleep and couldn’t nap when I tried”
While this may seem like a simple thing, I knew what it really was. It was my anxiety continuing to set the stage for its grand performance. If I put it out into the world that I am tired, then surely that will be a justified excuse for not attending yoga, right?
You might be wondering to yourself “if you know your brain is trying to betray you, then why send the message?”
Unfortunately it isn’t that simple! You lose a certain amount of control when your mental health isn’t up to scratch, and this was one of those situations. |
The positive of this part of my story is that because I’m aware, I can fight back and I can improve. There is always some positivity to be found.
The most disappointing part for me is that I was really genuinely excited to go.
Anxiety smooshed all that excitement in its usual slow-burn fashion and left me wondering if I’m doing this out of joy or because it’s a chore, something I felt I had to do.
Of course I know it’s something I genuinely want to do, that doesn’t stop the doubt!
I can almost guarantee that when 5pm comes I’ll be “too tired” and “have stuff to do”. So how will I overcome it?
To be honest… I am not sure!
I’m going to go do some calm breathing and narrow in on some of my insecurities, I’ll continue this blog in a few hours and let you know if I went or not and how I’m feeling!
First off… The oils on my feet worked amazingggggly. They calmed me right down. It didn’t stop the anxiety all together but definitely took the edge off and guided me to making a clearer choice.
At about 4:30pm I tripped over the baby gate (a weekly occurrence for me). My brain was so thrilled to be given the opportunity to flake out.
5pm approached, time to make the call. Was I going to go or was I going to give myself another thing to regret.
5:15pm I got my shoes on, grabbed my yoga mat and head off. My brain was fighting so hard to make me cancel but I ignored it.
The session went really well! It was fairly hard, my at home sessions usually go for no more than 40 minutes and this went for an hour.
I know that next week I will face the same struggle inside myself, and the week after, and then probably the week after that.
Despite this – every win is a win, regardless of how small, and I will keep telling myself this until I am the best version of me I can be!
That’s why I’m here, writing this blog and sharing my story. Beating anxiety is just a small fraction of my journey ahead. This is my path to becoming my own mindful masterpiece.
Balance definitely helped me calm my mind. I highly recommend it for anyone who needs some assistance with inner peace.
You can purchase it here or through my store.
I’m always open to messages so let me know if you need any more information!